Your hair looks nothing like mine

I am not a fan of the original version of The Apprentice, perhaps it’s all the American hype or it could just be Mr Hair himself, Donald Trump.  In fact, I’m not big into reality TV so it goes without saying that when the water cooler chat moves to last week’s episode of The Cougar (?!) and SA’s Got Talent, I tend to wander off to chat with the pot plants.

However, one night I was channel surfing during half time of another dismal Liverpool football match when I stumbled upon BBC Prime and the UK version of The Apprentice.  Somehow, Sir Alan Sugar managed to keep me glued to the box. Okay, so did wonder briefly if it was just marginally better than watching Liverpool lose against the blind team again.  Anyhow, I was drawn in, rooting for Team A (it had the hot blonde in it), holding my breath right up until the familiar phrase, “You’re Fired!” (Cockney accent helps too methinks).  Exhale, cheer, look up when the next episode is on.

Thinking of things to do while I wait for my next fix of Sir Alan I began wondering about firing people in the real world.  Doesn’t quite work the same, it would probably have to include the suffix “see you at the CCMA”.  Firing people is never fun, no matter how much they have cocked up.  Staff are real people, they have families and pets and bills and emotions and stuff. The truth is that it is far less costly, both in terms of time and money, to retain (and tetrain) someone than it is to replace them. So chances are I won’t get to use my new favouright phrase on anyone in the office.

Arv ad enuff, you're fired!

This got me thinking about clients – I’m sure anyone in business (coz anyone in business has clients) has at one stage or another wished they could give a client the boot. Maybe they don’t pay on time or maybe they are just a royal pain in the backside.  The problem is that we have been led to believe that no matter what, the customer is King! The client is always right. Hang on to your customers no matter what. Customer service means doing ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to ensure client satisfaction.  Does it?

I have been to a few workshops lately about doing business post recession and they are saying the opposite.  I have also read a number of books and magazine articles saying the same.  Apparently in the new economy, we should choose our clients wisely.  Do business with those that understand what it is that you do and want to do more of the same with you.  Also, they must have the willingness to pay and pay on time.  If you have to really look hard at those client relationships that don’t do it for you and work out how much it costs you to always go the extra mile (especially when they’re only paying for an inch) and / or the drain on resources chasing the money they owe you.  Wouldn’t it be easier, wouldn’t it be cheaper, wouldn’t it just be plain lovely to say “You’re Fired!”?

If Jack Welsh is telling us to get rid of 10% of our underperforming staff every year, shouldn’t we be doing the same with our underperforming and underpaying clients?  The Gurus are saying so but, hold on, what’s that sound.  Shhh, I think I can hear it now, yes it’s the sound of my boss’s voice echoing down the passage – “Did you write this?  You’re Fired!”

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